A Few Tough Weeks

I have to admit, I have been all over the place lately. I have been depressed at times, and other times just even - living each day one at a time. I have not found any employment on my part of town and I was starting to come down on myself. Starting to wonder how I've lived my life and what I have done with myself.

I have not been staying at my house. It is difficult for me to stay in the house by myself. For those of you who have battled depression, you understand that is much more difficult to survive all alone. I know this sounds melodramatic, but it is the honest truth. The voice inside, that pulls you under, is working overtime and being alone makes it easier for it to win. I am one of those people who don't like taking medication unless it is necessary. I do not want to be taking some type of anti-depressant to get through the day.

I've learned, the best way to manage, is to live one day at a time and not to concentrate too much on the future. All of the inevitable what-if's are difficult to manage. I like to worry about right now.
That doesn't mean I plan for things. I do think about how I can make my future better. It just seems to be difficult to handle all on my own right now. I know this may seem immature, but I will do what I can to make it through these days.

Of course, Manny keeps saying "Come to Brazil". Don't misunderstand, he is not pressuring me to come. He is just concerned about me and can't save me unless I am there. This is one of the things that has always drove him crazy. I am sometimes fiercely independent. I would have a hard time just allowing him to carry things for me. I know that he just wants to make things better for me and he cannot.

For the record, I know of my faults. I know what I need to change and how they should be changed. I quit smoking you know. I have been smoke-free for 17 months now. I don't even crave a cigarette anymore. I did it all on my own. Not when someone was nagging me or when I was poor or sick. I finally decided I did not like the way it smelled, tasted, or made me feel. I stayed on patches long enough to handle the initial cravings, but I did not finish a whole box. I just stopped putting them on one day and decided I could handle it. Now, not to say I haven't had cravings since. I just cannot remember the last time I had one. I managed to do it all on my own. I know that I am a strong person and I can handle more than I think.

Next, I have to lose the weight I have gained since I quit smoking. I have already made my decision to start walking every day for 30 minutes. Maybe a week or two of this and I will add some good old cardio. I am so out of shape right now, that I don't want to overkill and burn myself out.

On the job front, I have been searching every day for employment. I had an employment agency contact me regarding a job as a shipping clerk. I went in and did the whole pre-employment thing and have not heard anything back yet. I contacted the yesterday and they state they have not heard anything back from their client yet. So I continue looking. It's not easy. I live on the odd part of town, where most of the jobs posted are skill labor jobs and I am completely unqualified for.

As a good note, I was approved for unemployment by the State of Georgia. I also have my taxes coming up. I am one of those lucky people that have to wait until the middle of February to file. I have not received my W-2's back from either job. I need to check tomorrow with my former employers to determine if they have even been sent out yet.

In any case, this should keep me for awhile, but it has been suggested to me by several people that I need to go to Brazil for a temporary 90 day visit while I am unemployed and can do so.

My next post, I will explain the process it will take me to go visit and any detailed information I can determine from the Brazilian Consulate.