A Good, Hot Bath

You know what I adore? I adore a long, hot bath. To sink your body into a warm-to-hot basin of water with fragrant bubbles or salts. Maybe you are a purist and prefer just plain hot water. Either way, I am in heaven.  I can relax and purge my mind. Or I can sink down and stew over my problems.

Lately, I have been enjoying my bath in hot water, with Bath & Body Works Sensual Foam Bath. It is called Jasmine Vanilla and has a hint of Patchouli. I know – Patchouli – either people love it or they hate it. I usually dislike it, but this stuff only has a pinch. It is enough to keep you feeling indulged, but not too much to give you a headache.

Bath & Body Works' Jasmine Vanilla

This stuff is good to me for a bit. I seem to have to be in the mood for it, but once I’m into it my whole body seems to relax. If you click on this picture, it will take you to their website where you can check it out and purchase for a modest $13. I adore Bath and Body Works, but I usually go into the store to purchase. They have constant deals and sales. I’m not affiliated with this company nor are they paying me to advertise. I am just a loyal customer, like many women.

I also adore the Cucumber Melon and Butterfly Flower. I want to start a campaign to get them to bring back Lilac as I confess it is my favorite of all time. My last bottle stayed around forever. I syphoned off the last bit of lotion like it was the last bit of food in my fridge. 

Beyond that, I put on some music, maybe light some candles if I’m not using bubble bath. I’ll even snag a beverage to bring along.  I will sometimes even bring my favorite book of the moment. My favorite part is when the water starts getting cold. I will reach up with my foot and turn the faucet on with my toes. I push the water all the way hot because it usually takes a second for the water to heat up. Then I will let the water out of the tub a little so I don’t overflow the tub. Then when the water gets just right I will turn off the water. I know I’m not the only person in this world that loves a long hot bath. Sometimes if I can’t sleep, I’ll take a bath. Like right now… J

A Few Tough Weeks

I have to admit, I have been all over the place lately. I have been depressed at times, and other times just even - living each day one at a time. I have not found any employment on my part of town and I was starting to come down on myself. Starting to wonder how I've lived my life and what I have done with myself.

I have not been staying at my house. It is difficult for me to stay in the house by myself. For those of you who have battled depression, you understand that is much more difficult to survive all alone. I know this sounds melodramatic, but it is the honest truth. The voice inside, that pulls you under, is working overtime and being alone makes it easier for it to win. I am one of those people who don't like taking medication unless it is necessary. I do not want to be taking some type of anti-depressant to get through the day.

I've learned, the best way to manage, is to live one day at a time and not to concentrate too much on the future. All of the inevitable what-if's are difficult to manage. I like to worry about right now.
That doesn't mean I plan for things. I do think about how I can make my future better. It just seems to be difficult to handle all on my own right now. I know this may seem immature, but I will do what I can to make it through these days.

Of course, Manny keeps saying "Come to Brazil". Don't misunderstand, he is not pressuring me to come. He is just concerned about me and can't save me unless I am there. This is one of the things that has always drove him crazy. I am sometimes fiercely independent. I would have a hard time just allowing him to carry things for me. I know that he just wants to make things better for me and he cannot.

For the record, I know of my faults. I know what I need to change and how they should be changed. I quit smoking you know. I have been smoke-free for 17 months now. I don't even crave a cigarette anymore. I did it all on my own. Not when someone was nagging me or when I was poor or sick. I finally decided I did not like the way it smelled, tasted, or made me feel. I stayed on patches long enough to handle the initial cravings, but I did not finish a whole box. I just stopped putting them on one day and decided I could handle it. Now, not to say I haven't had cravings since. I just cannot remember the last time I had one. I managed to do it all on my own. I know that I am a strong person and I can handle more than I think.

Next, I have to lose the weight I have gained since I quit smoking. I have already made my decision to start walking every day for 30 minutes. Maybe a week or two of this and I will add some good old cardio. I am so out of shape right now, that I don't want to overkill and burn myself out.

On the job front, I have been searching every day for employment. I had an employment agency contact me regarding a job as a shipping clerk. I went in and did the whole pre-employment thing and have not heard anything back yet. I contacted the yesterday and they state they have not heard anything back from their client yet. So I continue looking. It's not easy. I live on the odd part of town, where most of the jobs posted are skill labor jobs and I am completely unqualified for.

As a good note, I was approved for unemployment by the State of Georgia. I also have my taxes coming up. I am one of those lucky people that have to wait until the middle of February to file. I have not received my W-2's back from either job. I need to check tomorrow with my former employers to determine if they have even been sent out yet.

In any case, this should keep me for awhile, but it has been suggested to me by several people that I need to go to Brazil for a temporary 90 day visit while I am unemployed and can do so.

My next post, I will explain the process it will take me to go visit and any detailed information I can determine from the Brazilian Consulate.

My Family Reaction Pt. 2

So now that I have explained my relationship with Manny, I can explain my parent's reaction. My father has always been pretty laid back about the whole relationship. He only cares that I am treated right and that I am not abused in any way. Other then that, he tends to stay out of my relationships. Don't get me wrong - he's not a bad father, just a typical man. There is no emotion, only logic. It has been that way for most of my life, so he never surprised me. When Manny and I were having problems before, he didn't want to be involved. As long as I was O.K., he was O.K. He and Manny were on pretty good terms. They always got along. Manny was pretty up front about his situation with my father, which my father always respected. Manny assisted my dad in building a large fence that circles their property. He always helped my mother and I in the yard whenever we asked him. It was like a normal family. We would come over for Sunday dinner and then play UNO after.

So, the break up, was very awkward for my parents. They adored Manny and felt betrayed by how everything ended. Since I was their only concern, they wanted to make sure I was okay. My mother took it especially hard. Someone had emotionally upset her baby. That was the only way she saw it. She also explained to me that she felt somewhat betrayed by how he dumped me.
I'm not very good at explaining my emotions, so I won't even try. I will say that it was the most difficult thing I have ever gone through and it took me a long time to move forward. I wouldn't talk to him for a long time and forbid him from having contact with my parents (I know this doesn't sound right, but it was their decision).

My mother is having a hard time accepting all of this. She was surprised when I said I was even talking to him again. I told her, at the time, we were just friends and that was all. I told her I wouldn't get sucked back in, I guess I lied. We had a conversation and she just doesn't want to have to pick up the pieces if it does not work out again. She understands if I have to leave the country for a bit. It makes her nervous, but what mother wouldn't be. She knows that Manny loves me and that he will take good care of me. She just worries that it won't work out again.

I can see her concern. It was my concern for a long time. Manny and I spoke for a long time before we came back to this conclusion. When we first started talking he had a live-in girlfriend. I kept my distance from speaking to him too much because I didn't want his girlfriend to have any suspicions about things that were not there. Eventually, he broke up with her. When I asked him why, he replied "Because I don't see myself growing old together". She doesn't live in the same part of Brazil as him now, so I don't really worry about her. Also, he has told his mother about us. I know this is a big trust, but Manny was never really that type of guy. He had been cheated on by his first wife, and never wanted to have a relationship like that again. He said that if he felt like cheating that he would just break up. So I trust him. He seems changed and I know I have. We have both grown up in the four years we have been apart.
I told my mother that I do not see myself growing old with anyone else. That our conversations, while not always easy, are the best part of my day. That seeing his goofy face makes me feel good, all the way down inside to my soul. I love that he is carefree and fun. I am serious and thoughtful. Together we will balance each other. I want this chance to be happy and see where my life goes. I have always been so restrained and contained. Always afraid of what everyone thinks. There is one person in my life that has never made me feel self-conscious or ashamed. Manny has always made me feel beautiful. I could get used to that.
What else can I say?

My father has my back and my mother is nervous, but she will be behind me. My brother even called, after reading my blog, and asked me about it. I've never had a great relationship with him, but I understood his concern. Anything you want to know about this process, I will post on my blog. Every question that is asked, I will answer. Every painful detail will be here. I will bare my soul (yikes) to the entire world.
Most importantly, I will share every detail as I learn the process. Any piece of information that someone would think to ask on the process of becoming an Ex-Pat, I will tell.
Hope you enjoy this as much as I will.

My Family Reaction pt. 1

The last couple of days have been very emotional for me. I'm not a very emotional person, so it is surprising. So I sat my parents down and explained to them my decision. It sort of went the way I thought it would go and it also surprised me.
Let's rewind this and just explain some of my past with Manny.
When Manny and I first met and got together, he was married. Now, before that sounds very bad, let me explain that he was separated and the decision to divorce had been made. Whatever your religious views may be, we made the decision to be together and his marriage was over. I never expected myself to be with someone who was still married. I also never thought that I would be in a relationship with an immigrant. I never knew this until after a couple of weeks of dating. He was pretty wrecked when he had to explain everything to me. It took a hit on his pride to tell me that he had nothing and could not offer me anything. I was shocked, I won't lie. I never thought him less of a person, but I admit that it was unexpected. When he told me the truth, I accepted it. I accepted him for everything he was, but I admit I was worried. I didn't want him to have to leave and go back to Brazil. I didn't want to worry about him having to find work because of his status. This didn't seem to be a problem at first. He even bared all to my parents, out of respect to them. He sat my father down and explained to him his story. My father respected him immensely for it.
We moved in together and began our life together. It was not easy, we had disagreements like every couple but I knew he adored me. He was always good to me. There was a major issue between us with him wanting to keep everything separate. His divorce messed his head up when it came to relationships. He learned not to trust anyone. He wanted what was his to be his and what was mine to be mine. At first I did not mind this because it was nothing serious. But the more we lived together, this became an issue. The more I pushed him, he pushed back. Then the bottom fell out - he lost his job. All of a sudden, it was me taking care of everything without him wanting to be in it together. Also, I never understood what it really meant to be an immigrant. How people abuse you, take advantage of you, and treat you like dirt.
I really got to see this through his eyes.
Anyhow, I had to take care of him, and it did not sit well with this proud latino man. He had so many goals in his life and kept speaking of how well he was going to treat me once he achieved it all. It all became very intense and hard to live together. We fought. He never asked me to marry him because he didn't want me to think he was using me for papers. Then he didn't propose because he felt he had nothing to offer. I began to doubt his love for me. I said I would leave and he told me to leave. So I left. He begged me to come back and promised things would be better.
I made the hardest decision I have ever made in my entire life. I broke up with him and advised him to go home to Brazil. I knew that with him living as an immigrant that he would never achieve all that he could. He has so much potential and ambition. I knew that if he stayed, that he would end up hating himself and me. I told him to go. I held his hand, took him to the airport, and hugged him with all my heart as I said goodbye. I remember, he got a massive nose bleed while saying goodbye. It got all over my shirt, as he had his face in my shoulder. I walked out of the airport in a daze, covered in his blood. Not one police officer said a word to me. But it took me awhile to realize the enormity of what happened.
It took me awhile to struggle with the feelings I had over the situation. The anger, the guilt, the doubt, the guilt, etc. It took me a long time to get over it and now I KNOW without a doubt that it was the best thing I ever did. I loved him enough to let him go make something of himself. When he got back to Brazil, Manny pushed me away. He told me there was someone else, broke my heart. I'm not sure if he did it out of spite or if he was hurt. In any case, it broke my heart. It took me two years before I even dated anyone else. It also took me that time to even talk to him again. He kept trying and I kept pushing him away. I forbid him even talking to my parents because I knew he would use them to get to me if he wanted.
Then a few months ago, we started talking again. I was changed, and he was changed. There are regrets on both sides about how things happened. But we also renewed the feelings we both had. They are renewed but they are also different than before. He told me, that although he had others during our separation, he couldn't see himself spending the rest of his life with anyone else. I honestly feel the same way. I can see us wrinkly, old, and gray - just as happy as we are now. Just as in love. The one relationship I had did not last because I couldn't see us in the future. I have so much in common with Manny. Just seeing him smile lights me up inside and his laugh is like a good cup of hot cocoa, I feel warm and satisified. Even the things that are annoying about him, are things that I have missed almost daily in the years we have been apart. He - we - make sense.

(To be continued)

Some of My Favorite Things

Since I've had a lot of time lately, between searching for jobs, I have begun to put together a list of my favorite items that I purchase on a regular basis. Now, the best thing is to check where you will be staying to determine what you will or won't need. All of my research has been done online.


My mind started wandering and I was thinking, "What if I couldn't find my favorite soft drink in Brazil?". Well, as truth has it, I can't. My favorite soft drink is Diet Mountain Dew, via Pepsico. They do not even sell regular, syrupy Mountain Dew in Brazil. Thanks to my vast research, and Pepsi Brazil - I was able to see what products are marketed to Brazil. Incidentally, they do sell Pepsi, Pepsi Light, Pepsi Twist (w/ lime), and Pepsi Twist Light. They also do Gatorade and Lipton Iced Teas - but to the disappointment of Southerners everywhere - there is NO sweet tea.


My favorite shampoo & conditioner, Pantene Pro-V, is sold in Brazil. Amazingly, it is marketed with their spokeswoman Gisele. Could this be a higher end product line in Brazil? If anyone knows, please leave me a comment. 


Speaking of female hygiene products, I was checking out my favorite razors of all time - the Schick Quattro for Women. I cannot find that this is made in Brazil. I am disappointed, but they do produce Gillette razors for women. Again, if anyone knows if Schick is made in Brazil, let me know!


Again, I cannot find Aquafresh marketed in Brazil. In America, they are distributed by GlaxoSmithKline, but I could not find anything on their Brazilian site. But, there is always Colgate in Brazil - they have different toothpastes marketed on their website -  Colgate Max, Colgate Total 12hr, Colgate Sensitive. Crest also has a market in Brazil - their toothpastes are too many to list, please check the link for available products. Incidentally, they are owned by Proctor & Gamble, which also owns Vicks - so when I get the sniffles in Brazil, it will still feel like home.


In a city like Jundiaí, there should be these products available to buy, but it does not appear that we would be far from Sao Paulo to take a trip if need be.

My first Portuguese lesson

So I found an amazing website - LiveMocha - and they provide free and paid language lessons.

It took me extensive research to find a good website, as Brazilian Portuguese and Portugal Portuguese are two different languages. Anytime I would use Google Translate to learn the language, Manny would laugh and say I sounded like a robot.

I'm so anxious to get a head start on this because I will feel like a foreigner enough without knowing the language. Things like Rosetta-Stone are rediculously expensive. My jaw dropped at the amount of money they ask for their software. LiveMocha is mostly user run. Anytime I do writing exercises or speaking exercises, I get comments and pointers from native speakers. I know this could be scary, since I know many Americans who butcher the English language. I have to have faith, otherwise I will never move forward.

So I have some work to do, and putting yourself out there like this for others to critique is not easy in itself. Manny thinks it's cute when I butcher his language. I need someone who will show me how and this website has been most helpful. Granted it does not start with basics like numbers, letters, months, etc. It just jumps right into the language.

Four years of high school Spanish helped in some aspects, at least I can understand some of the words, even if I do want to roll my R's or tilde my N's.