Romanticism

Definition -

An artistic and intellectual movement originating in Europe in the late 18th century and characterized by a heightened interest in nature, emphasis on the individual's expression of emotion and imagination, departure from the attitudes and forms of classicism, and rebellion against established social rules and conventions.

I feel that my life has definately entered this classification. I am defying all established logic in my life. I am going outside of standard procedure. I am giving up everything for the idea of romance. It's totally bohemian. Haha

It is like some kind of fairy tale and it doesn't feel real yet. I won't feel real until I am together with him. Until we are one. Seems kind of funny typing it, and I don't use him to define me totally. But - together we define who I am.

For someone who is more introverted, this may be good for me. The whole blog won't be so romanticized, and I know things will not be easy. But nothing worth having is easy.  I will keep going until I am on a plane to Sao Paulo. I have people in my life who will help keep me focused on and the ball.

I have been looking for work currently. I am searching online and have come I have probably posted for at least 10 jobs right now. I'm looking at doing some different things apart from what I am used to doing. I want to find something that is gratifying and keeps me happy day to day. Everyone grips about their jobs, but I want something that will make me proud of myself.

I have looked at home care and maybe even house care to help me get in shape. I don't want to sit in an office all day if I can help it. It wasn't making me happy before and I doubt it will make me happy again.

We'll see how it goes, it is still the holidays and people are not even in office to answer any job inquiries. This should be interesting.

The Day That Changed Everything

Tuesday December 28th, 2010

My entire life changed in the course of a day. I went to my job, thinking I was busting my hump for something that I could feel proud about. It was the week between Christmas and New Year’s. My hope was to actually get some real work done while everyone was on vacation and off my phone. My co-workers were polite; nothing different was noticed on my end. If I had actually paid attention that day, I would have noticed that my boss did not say good morning to me. In fact, she barely said anything to me that day - now that I think of it.

When HR called me into their office, I thought maybe I had some issue that needed to be discussed in front of HR - the boss tended to do that a lot. She was there, and I still did not register anything. I sit down and they give me the news - they have decided that I was not a good fit for the company and they wanted to let me go.

I was immediately in shock, but I had another feeling come over me. I felt relief, extreme relief. Ever since I had started the position in September, I had felt that I was not a good fit for it. I busted my butt, worked many hours including my lunches, and felt like I was finally understanding everything. Then my boss had decided to reassign everyone's work and it was a mad dash to clean up everything was so unceremoniously dumped on my lap. I knew that my other co-workers were having the same issues as I was. I had gone to my team leader on a few occasions to express my stress and ask for assistance, and nothing was provided to me.

In any case, it is all over. It is the first time ever in my life that I was let go. I was stunned. For two days, I was relieved, but stunned all the same. Never had I ever been let go in my life. I always found pride in my work and have worked hard to move ahead in my previous job of 5 years. The thing that burned the most, was that I left that job due to a boss that I could not work for anymore and that boss is no longer at that job. These are how things go in life, I'm learning quickly.

Up until yesterday, I was really questioning myself. I was neither incompetent nor lazy. I hustle my butt off in a job and feel extreme pride in the way I work. I just came to realize that my whole life is my job.

Do Americans really determine their self-worth by their jobs? We do work more hours than any other country. Most of us started working very young, as soon as we could get work permits and get out there.

My brother started very young, I had a few jobs as a teenager as well. My parents are very hard-working Midwestern folks. My uncle was out of the house by the time he was 15 and supporting himself. My grandfather is 81 years old and has to stay busy all day doing something.

Sadly, this job was my life. I lived and breathed for it for months. I had lost actual sleep over it. I had worked straight through lunches, not bothering to eat all day. When I lost it, I almost lost myself.

This realization has me re-evaluating my life.

I am not happy with the job I had or the way my career has been going. I live separate from the man I love, with a roommate that almost surely hates me. I have been over-controlling since he has move in, but due to the amount of stress I have been under with this job. I have not treated him very well and it is all due to the fact that I am unhappy.

So, I tell him that I lost my job. I tell my parents, my family, my friends..I have to explain this to everyone. My best friend and my heart, Rochelle, has helped me through a lot of it. Rochelle can help me see things right in front of my face. She made me realize that I was still in love with Manny, many years after I had given up hope of having anyone who loved me. Manny was still right there in my face, and I could not see it.

Manny and I had a relationship for a few years. He had come to America from Brazil, intent on being an American citizen. He loves this country; he wants to be a part of the American Dream. He wants to serve in our military. He had married a Brazilian-American citizen. He did not marry her for this dream, but because he loved her. She ended up breaking his heart, so he divorced her. He wanted nothing from her, even after she offered to give it to him. At this point we had met and decided to live together. He could do nothing for himself, and it became very hard. He was not legal and it hurt to have a future together. He became angry and bitter, and I became hurt. I finally got up the courage and broke up with him. I knew that if happened that I would end up alone and he would end up back in Brazil. He had nothing else left, no job, no future, etc. It was the single most difficult thing that I had ever had to do. I had to hug him, put him on a plane, and walk away. I refused to talk to him for at least a couple years. Partly because of the guilt, also part resentment. He kept trying and I kept pushing him back. He then went on with his life. Finally, after a couple years I could finally speak to him again. I still kept him at a distance and would not trust him entirely. It finally became evident that he still loved me, and my heart still felt the same. Neither of us can see ourselves spending the rest of our life with anyone else.

This conversation of me traveling to Brazil has been going on for a while. He has wanted me to come and I kept finding reasons I could not. I had a new job, a new house, a new dog, etc. Every excuse possible has come to my mind. Also, I know that until I have papers I could not work and that felt wrong to me. I have my pride and I do not want to leech off of anyone. He thinks my pride is stupid, but I think everyone should have pride as long as it does not get in your way. Until now, it has gotten in my way. Right or wrong, good or bad - I came to the decision to go to Brazil.

He cannot come to the US right now as his visa expired and he cannot get a new one for some time. Instead, I will go to Brazil to be with him. Not immediately - it will take some time to get everything in order. I cannot leave my house for some time as I am a new homeowner, but my parents have agreed to rent it out. I will even leave them all the income off of it so they can have something for taking care of things.

This is my journey. It will be a long one, with doubts I am sure. I need something to keep me on track and centered on my goal. I will share my thoughts, my decisions, my lessons, and my guts out there. I am usually a very private person, but things are changing. I do not want to go to Brazil and be an arrogant American. I want to embrace a new way of life, a new way of thinking. It does not happen overnight, but maybe you will enjoy reading about my journey as much as I thrill in leading it.